Boundaries allow us to put ourselves first and lets people know how to treat us. If we are always saying yes to people, they will keep coming to us with their needs and expecting them to be met no matter what. If we always say no, people may not feel comfortable coming to us for anything. Saying yes and no too much can put a strain on you and your relationships. So what is the right balance?
When you say yes to someone who is asking something of you, you should do it because you want to not because they want you to. When you do something that you do not want to, you may be making the other person happy but you are sacrificing your own peace. You are putting their needs and feelings before your own.
If you do not want to do something when someone asks, it is okay to say no. You do not have to provide an explanation or long response to explain your answer. When you say no, you are saying that you are taking care of you and that in that moment you are not capable of putting someone else’s needs first.
Of course in relationships you have to make sacrifices so there are times when you have to put the other persons needs before your own. Occasionally, this is okay. To prevent this from happening consistently, this is where set boundaries come in. Set boundaries are things that you will not tolerate within relationships. Things that you refuse to say yes to because saying yes does not allow you to take care of you.
Start setting boundaries by explaining to others what you are capable of doing for them and what you are not. Then, think of consequences that hold others accountable when they break your boundaries. This is important because more than likely, people are going to try and push your boundaries to see if you are serious. If you do not have consequences in place or only inconsistently follow through with them, this tells people that you are not serious. This will result in people continuing to push your boundaries and expecting you to meet their needs on demand.
What I find helpful is first stating and explaining your boundary and consequence if the boundary is broken. Then, when people try to push that boundary, restate the boundary and remind them of the consequence once again. Finally, if they end up breaking the boundary again, this is when the consequence comes in. The reason this three step process is helpful is because the people in your life will need time to adjust to your new boundaries as well. They may intentionally or accidentally break a boundary that you set and need a reminder that you are serious. It also lets you gradually prepare to implement consequences instead of having to dish out consequences left and right.
Setting boundaries is necessary and it is not selfish. You control how much access people have to you. Make sure that access does not interfere with your own ability to be there for yourself!