Do you find your child’s favorite phrase to be “I don’t know” whenever you ask them what’s wrong? Or maybe they shut down and you feel like an investigator trying to solve a problem without any clues. You know the clues are there, but nothing you say or do makes a difference.
Most children want to open up, but this can be difficult when they feel invalidated or misunderstood. Things that can make children feel this way are when they are given unsolicited advice, a lecture, or the conversation becomes about yourself or someone else. These are things we often jump to first because we think this will encourage a conversation when the opposite might actually happen. If we start out a conversation in these ways, we decrease the chances of having a productive conversation.
Some things to try instead:
- If you notice something might be wrong with your child or know that they are going through something challenging, let them know you are there and that they can come to you when they are ready to talk. This gives them the chance to understand their thoughts and feelings and maybe even do some problem-solving whether they come to you or not. This phrase sends the message that you trust them to handle their problems and that you will be emotionally available to support, listen, and understand them if they decide they are ready to talk. Make sure that you are emotionally available by listening and validating their experience. Learn to sit with any uncomfortable feelings that may come up for you. Not doing so leads to filling awkward silences, problem-solving for them, giving opinions, etc. Remind yourself that you are there to understand your child’s experiences and help them navigate through their problems. This fosters greater emotional connection than telling them what they should do or what you would do.
- If your child does come and talk to you, ask what they need from you. Sometimes children feel comfortable opening up because they expect you to react one way, but when that does not happen, this causes them to shut down. This may be true if you tend to respond to your children’s concerns/problems in many different ways. They become unsure of what to expect, so they take a guess at how you might react. To avoid it being a guessing game, simply asking if they are looking for advice, problem-solving ideas, or just a listening ear can make all the difference.
- Change the way you phrase things. Children are going to have problems that seem minuscule to you which may cause you to unintentionally dismiss their thoughts or feelings. For example, they may be complaining about friends and you might say some like “don’t worry about it. I’m sure it will all work itself out.” While this seems like it would reassure them, it can actually make them feel misunderstood and that their feelings are not important. Instead, you could say something like “it sounds like that is really upsetting you.” This encourages your child to talk more about their feelings because you have conveyed to them that you understand and care about how they are feeling.
- Spend more time doing things that your child is interested in. By showing that you care about their interests and understand the importance of them in your child’s life, they may feel more inclined to share things with you.