The thought of letting go of control in your life probably leads to the thought of being out of control. But what if I told you that letting go of control can actually make you feel more in control?
This works when it comes to letting go of the things we have zero control over. When we try to find solutions, answers, and change the outcome of things that cannot be solved by us, it stresses us out. But most times, instead of letting it go, we become fixated on these things and try everything we can to find a way to have control. This often turns into us developing harmful and unhealthy coping tools.
For example, we cannot always control when hard thoughts and emotions come up for us. It is true that we can change and challenge our thoughts in the moment but this does not always work flawlessly. One common way around this is to avoid hard thoughts and emotions by hyper-focusing on other things. While this works well in the moment, it can get really exhausting in the long-term because your brain is working overtime to avoid addressing what needs to be addressed. Whether consciously or subconsciously, this is how you are creating the false sense that you are in control when the truth is that thoughts and emotions can be random! At times we have no control over what thoughts pop into our heads or how we feel and because there is no permanent solution to this randomness we try to find one ourselves. Another common solution is to turn to drugs/alcohol which is an unhealthy coping tool that also gives us that false sense of control.
This is just one example of how the uncontrollable can lead to stress which can then lead to avoidant coping skills that make us feel in charge.
So, what are some healthy coping skills that can be used when uncontrollable things happen?
- Take a second. Think through how you want to respond when you feel out of control. Most times we just make quick decisions that we think are going to fix things immediately. Take a second to breath and think through all of your options.
- Acceptance. Acknowledge when there is something that is out of your control. When we do not practice acceptance our brains begin to fixate on solutions even if there isn’t any. With acceptance comes working through hard feelings and action steps that you can do to feel less distressed about the uncontrollable.
- Do something relaxing. Sometimes we get stuck in a behavioral cycle of controlling the things we can when there are things we can’t control. For example we may clean excessively, fixate on work/school, spend money, etc. Instead of doing these things, try doing something that will help soothe you. You can go for a walk, listen to music, take a bath, or watch your favorite show. Start taking note of when you are sending yourself into overdrive when it comes to controlling things and replace your behavior with something soothing.
Learning to let go of control is a process! Remain patient and start small. In the beginning you may feel more out of control because you are disrupting a familiar pattern. This is expected and it is how you know you are on the right track. Overtime, a new pattern will replace your current one and it should allow you to feel less stress!
If you are having trouble letting go of control please get in contact with a licensed professional who can help. You do not have to do it alone!