What is mental health? Mental health encompasses a person’s level of functioning in regards to their psychological and emotional health. Psychological and emotional health involve the ability to cope with things such as daily stressors, difficult situations, and complicated relationships. If someone is psychologically and emotionally healthy, these things do not hinder them from functioning as they are able to deal with them in ways that do not contribute to further feelings of distress. We all deal with stress and sometimes the stress becomes too much which can cause us to have a bad day. When someone is struggling with a mental health disorder or poor psychological and emotional health, often times, it becomes a constant struggle for them to function in the way that they would like to. Although mental health is becoming more of a topic in our society, it is still not taken as seriously as physical health. However, it is so important to take mental health seriously as prolonged mental health problems can lead to poor overall health. For example, a lot of times people develop unsafe coping skills to deal with their invasive thoughts and upsetting emotions. People may under eat, overeat, engage in high-risk promiscuous behavior, self-harm, etc. These behaviors continue the cycle of poor mental health functioning and can be detrimental to someone’s physical health. Additionally, continuing in such a cycle can completely decrease one’s level of functioning. Someone may lose interest in hobbies/activities, become less effective at work, find it too overwhelming to cook, clean, parent, and put less effort into relationships. These are some examples of how unaddressed mental health concerns can completely change someone’s life.
Understanding Symptoms:
Often times, symptoms start out small and grow overtime. This makes it important to pay attention to small changes that our friends or family members may be exhibiting when it comes to their functioning. While paying attention is important, helping someone overcome their mental health should never be your responsibility. No one can make someone become healthy, not even a therapist, doctor, or psychiatrist. These professionals have the role of helping someone on their journey but they cannot do the work for them. Same goes for you. Your role when it comes to someone you know who is struggling with mental health issues is to support them and be there for them. Because mental health is so complex, support can come in many different forms.
Providing Support:
Supporting someone with existing mental health issues and supporting someone who may be beginning to develop mental health issues can look different.
Supporting someone with existing mental health issues: whether you are in a new relationship with someone with a mental health issue or are already in such a relationship, it can create new challenges. In my work as a therapist, I have seen (mainly with couples) that one person in the relationship feels responsible for helping the other get better. Or, that one person begins resenting the other because their mental health issues begin to take a toll on the relationship. Feelings of responsibility or resentment lead to tension and conflict which can then lead to feelings of blame and guilt about the quality of the relationship and/or the effect the conflict has on each person. This dynamic creates a relationship that centers on the mental health problems instead of the person who is mentally struggling. So how can people overcome this? If you are involved in a relationship with someone who has existing mental health issues, ask them to talk about it with you so that you can better understand how it affects them. There are many different mental health issues/diagnoses, and they effect people in different ways. Ask questions when you do not understand and refrain from making suggestions or comments about what you think could make them feel better unless they ask.
Otherwise, it may feel like you are telling the person that they are not trying hard enough to get better, or that if they just do this one thing that everything will be okay. You can also support them by staying consistent in their lives. This is a hard one because sometimes it will feel like they are blowing you off if they become isolated, or it may feel like they do not want to have anything to do with you. Have you ever had a bad day and just want to crawl in bed and have nothing to do with the world for the rest of the day? Well, this is how it can feel for them for many days, or weeks even. One thing that you can do before or if this happens is express understanding that they may not feel like being social but understand that this is okay. Let them know that you are there for them and when they are ready to talk or hang out that you will be there. It is okay for you to get upset when this happens because you want to be there for them in difficult times but remember, your idea of being there for someone might not be their idea. Odds are, they will feel better if you express understanding rather than feeling guilty for wanting to be alone. Also, by truly understanding their needs, you will likely also feel better rather than constantly worrying that you did something wrong or that they want nothing to do with you. Lastly, occasionally check in with their progress. Chances are, someone with existing mental health issues is already getting help. If they are comfortable, give them space to share what they are doing to get better and how they think their progress is going. This also give you the chance to get updates on what would allow you to best support them at that time. If someone is not getting professional help and you think it would be beneficial, I suggest gently bringing up the idea and talking with them about it.
Supporting someone who is developing mental health issues: as previously stated, small changes in someone’s behavior are important to note. A lot of people may not even notice a change within themselves and this is how problems continue to grow. When noticing small changes, gently bring it up and express your concerns from a place of love. To the other person it may feel like you are attacking them even if you are stating your concerns calmly. This is normal. As a protective mechanism, they may feel the need to defend themselves by denying what you are saying. If they are in denial mode, accept it and let them know that you are there to talk with them if they want to. If they open up to you about what is going on for them, listen and get their thoughts on how you can be supportive or about seeking help. Seeking help can be scary so I recommend asking if they would like your help in this process. This can look like sitting down together and figuring out what kind of help they want and researching some local resources. This should only be done if they want to get help because remember, you cannot force someone to obtain treatment. Whether they decide to get help or not, the process of being supportive is the same as described above.
Tips on Support:
Some tips for yourself when supporting someone with mental health issues include setting boundaries and taking care of yourself! Remind yourself that you are not responsible for someone else mental health progress. Some people with mental health issues may guilt you into thinking you are responsible or blame you for their emotional state. Try not to take this personal. When having the conversation about how you can be supportive, make sure to address what you are able to do and what you are not able to do. It is also helpful to gain the ability to see the person as separate from their mental health issues. When a person is only seen through their mental health, it causes resentment towards them when we become upset with their mental health issues. Being upset at the mental health issues and not the person allows you to better support them and their efforts to get better. It allows you both to act as a team when it comes to coping as you two fight against the mental health issues rather than each other. Lastly, do not try and make sense of someone else’s mental health disorder because this leads to unwarranted advice and opinions. Professionals are not even 100% sure why many mental health disorders develop so refrain from searching for the answers. Your friends and family members are not looking for answers from you, but support. They want nothing more to feel better and to have you by their side as they go through this mental health journey. I know that it can get hard having someone in your life who is struggling, but remember to keep in mind how it is also hard for them.
Activities to Try:
Being there for someone does not just have to consist of talking with them or doing things for them. While these things are great, doing things with them can also be helpful. For example, you can suggest exercising together such as going for a walk or to an exercise class. Exercise has been proven to reduce anxiety, depression, and overall stress-levels. Getting active can also be a way to let out hard emotions in a safe and health way. Another thing to try is cooking a meal together. People struggling with mental health issues may skip meals due to a lack of appetite or eat unhealthy due to lack of energy to prepare well balanced meals. Certain foods can stabilize mood and increase level of well-being. Try cooking salmon and dark leafy green vegetables. Both have benefits on mood and stress levels and can also help with symptoms of various mental health disorders. Another thing you can do with your friend that can be useful to them each day is to create an affirmation jar. Take an empty jar and fill it with positive thoughts and affirmations. Your friend may have a hard time coming up with things to write down. To help with this, one thing you can do is have them write down characteristics about themselves for each letter in their name. For example, if their first name starts with the letter S, a characteristic could be “supportive.” This can be written down as “I am a supportive friend” and then placed into the jar. Each morning, your friend can pick an affirmation from the jar to get their day started on a good note. A positive thought in the morning seems simple but this can have great affects on the outcome of our days.
Someone struggling with mental health issues may repeatedly tell you that they do not want to engage in activities which is normal. In the moment, they may be having a hard time convincing themselves that engaging in an activity is going to make them feel better. Because of this, do not put emphasis on having fun but on just doing something. This prevents your friend from having doubts that they are going to have fun because the reality is, they might not. Expect activities to make your friend feel better moreso afterwards than during as this may be the beginning of them breaking their current pattern of functioning. As more time goes on, the hope is that your friend will want to keep engaging in more activities which will cause them to feel increasingly better overtime.